Out here on the hilltops, we don’t waste time.
We have children who understand there’s a war and want the resources and skills to fight it.
So, it goes without saying that it took no more than a few weeks for us like-minded parent types to mobilize and set up a program that would accomplish the task.
ARMY TRAINING IN THE ISRAELOID TRADITION
If the IDF is the most powerful army in the Middle East, striking fear into the hearts of nations and ragtag terrorist ruffians alike, then let it be our model, we said. By damn, nothing’s too good for our boys!
We’re gonna learn ‘em to fight—plain and simple.
Like real IDF fighters are trained.
Like this—
I. GUNMANSHIP
Since the war broke out, we’ve drilled for months lying on our backs and shooting in the air.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
Well, first, we prove to the enemy that we’re armed—because in a lot of cases that’s enough to scare him away.
We also telegraph that we don’t want to kill him per se.
And in that way we win his gratitude.
Goodwill is important, you know. Even in wartime.
It’s also the Israeloid way.
Because one who saves a life, it’s as if he saved an entire world.
And ‘Purity of Arms’ is what makes us the most moral army on the planet—literally the envy of the world!
Incidentally, we also practise lying on our backs and shooting at moving targets. War, after all, is a dynamic affair, and sometimes you have to shoot at things.
Lying on one's back and shooting at a swarm of moving targets is also drilled.
This one came at the kids’ behest. They felt we weren’t doing enough to make it realistic—like October 7th.
II. SPACE VIOLATION
We regularly train placing wild and unclean animals of various types and sizes in the beds of our youngsters while they sleep in their home-made, mildew-stained clapboard barracks.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
True mental toughness—and preparation for a potential stint in a military lockup. They really don’t like our hilltop youth in the Israeloid Defense Forces. We figured this would give the lads a leg up.
“He who fails to prepare, prepares to fail.”
III. ROCK DODGING
We dress the kids in full army gear, including helmets, ceramic breastplates (replete with eight magazines), knee pads and gloves.
Then, while holding a gun in one hand and an expensive navigation compass in the other, we have the rest of the boys pelt them with rocks.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
Retreating in the face of a barrage of rocks is a matter of pikuach nefesh. We thereby inculcate true Jewish values along with a measure of fitness, all the while increasing the kids’ pain threshold.
“YOU GOTTA PLAY HURT.”
—Vince Lombardi
IV. STRATEGIC POSTPONEMENT/TACTICAL PROCRASTINATION
In the military literature it’s also referred to as ‘waiting’.
How is it done?
From inside the comfort and safety of his own home, we have our recruits watch through a window as a hostile actor slowly approaches.
Anticipating his break through a door or window, we train our little David HaMelech to scream for help with all his might when it finally occurs.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
Patience. Obviously a virtue.
Catharsis. Many find the screaming a way to finally release a lot of pent up, neglected emotion from early life, youthful libidinal stress, etc.
V. HISTORICAL ROLE PLAY
Viewing newly colorized and redigitalized holocaust footage... we ask the boys with whom they identify, and why.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
First, this drill ensures that everyone's aware of what happened, so it won’t recur.
Moreover, it offers a little R&R in front of the screen after a hard day’s training regime.
Lastly, when coupled with the midnight frog and mouse encounters (see #2, above), it develops a profoundly realistic understanding and appreciation of camp life — lo aleinu.
VI. PLAYING THE MEDIA
In the digital age, hasbara is crucial.
The boys drill making sad faces and learning to impart to the camera a “poor us” visage that bespeaks a longing for peace with our Arab neighbors, though, “alas!, if we have to fight them, then so be it.”
The boys also drill saying: “know it well—we didn’t choose this path.”
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
Inculcating that particular whiny, even nasal tone one hears among American youth visiting Israel in the summertime. And…
Adopting the posture and gait of entitlement so rampant among well-to-do Jewish teens.
Both of which we hope will help us reach this cohort and win them over, heart and soul.
Because war is also an exercise in marketing.
VII. AUGMENTING FORTIFICATIONS
Building fences and adding metal plating to all structures... rooves, walls, even children’s clothing, where possible.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
Enhancing the would-be soldier’s sense of personal security.
The house may be struck by numerous RPGs, sure. But inside, little Yitz will suffer far fewer shrapnel wounds than those who didn’t take the time to prepare.
VIII. PILL SWALLOWING
Both with and without water, three times a day.
We call it the Masada Capsule.
Skills developed/objectives achieved:
In the event the yishuv is ultimately overrun, it’s a relief to know there’s an ever-ready exit door available.
Always good to draw on our rich history during times of duress, too.
It's the Israeli way.
Dean Maughvet